I lived in Southfield, Michigan at the time. It was one of those days when everything seemed to be tumbling down around me. I had worked hard on developing my new businesses (yes, that’s right, two businesses … the overachiever that I was).
I wanted to serve those who wanted help in freeing themselves from the past. Plus, I wanted to help others who had businesses to get their word out, so they could serve too. But, what I realized was that I needed to free my Self, first!
I had big ambitions and big visions. Not only had I started my Keenawah & Associates (Co-Create Your Success) business, I was also launching a new non-profit, Stellar-Gaia Alliances, to help healers, coaches, teachers, and others who were providing alternative wholistic and spiritual methods to get out there and to be seen, so they could help others more and more. Note to Self … don’t ever try to start and run two businesses at the same time. Ugh!
I was talking with several people about collaborating with the non-profit. But, in 2003, I was way ahead of my time. People were not yet ready to Truly co-create and collaborate. Egos got in the way. Projections were rampant. Perceptions were skewed. And the “Real Truths” of the matter were not even a blip on the screen.
AND, I had my own issues … I was very co-dependent and had huge abandonment and rejection issues. I worried about what others thought, and I was always trying to “people please” while I sacrificed my Self in the meantime; I fell on the sword more than once. I wanted to fix any and all problems.
With my co-dependency ‘running’ me, I was confused as to what I really wanted and needed. I was unsure of my Self and not confident in who I was and what I stood for. I was so enmeshed in other people’s opinions about me and about what I was trying to accomplish. I wanted them to like me (and dare I ask … to love me), to validate me, and to approve of me. I gave up so much of my Self in trying to have them in my life. I tried to morph into someone that made them feel good about themselves, while at the same time I didn’t feel good about my Self.
I also felt like I needed others to succeed. If I did not have the support of others, then how could it be so and manifest? I attracted naysayers, ‘Debbie Downers’, and those who were triggered by my vision … many wanted to do the same thing as me, but were too afraid to go for it, so they tried to bring me down.
If you know me by now … I do not let fear keep me from doing anything. I walk through the ‘fire’ of fear and allow it to stretch me beyond what I know. I am a constant seeker, learner, and embrace the unknown. At times, I might not love the unknown, but I do embrace it.
What I didn’t realize at the time is that I had past lives bleeding through, which compounded my co-dependency, abandonment, and rejection issues. I had been persecuted so many times in other lifetimes … where I stood in the authenticity of my Self and shared from my heart the love and wisdom that I held. As the Creator of The Diamond Co-Creation System™, my core Essence and SOUL’s mission has always been about working with energy and seeing how we can heal, transform, create, manifest, expand, and evolve … individually and collectively.
I have always been a leader and a wayshower, usually months, years, or lifetimes ahead of the times. Part of being a visionary is seeing what’s possible, and what has yet manifested. I saw things what others didn’t, such as the issues at hand which needed to be addressed, so we could fulfill the visions of what wanted to come forth. I saw the Divine possibilities that wanted to be birthed to help our Self and others to lift up Humanity and the earth.
This has always been a part of me … to help and serve others. But, I first had to help my Self. I had to resolve my co-dependency and step out of servitude into being of service through Love without my issues ‘running’ me.
Some of the things I feared most was not fitting in, not being wanted, and being shunned or exiled. I feared not being seen as the Divine Being that I am, or not being understood … that others could not see that my True passion and motivations were only about serving others in the best way I could. I was constantly trying to prove my love, worth, and value.
Does any of this sound, or feel, familiar to you?
Now, a lot of this was unconscious at the time. I didn’t realize that these past and current life energetic patterns were the underpinning of what I was trying to accomplish and do. I was operating in so much fear and let others dictate who I was and what I did. The subconscious perceived threats of being persecuted, being killed or maimed, or being left out were so pervasive due to the bleed throughs. I was in such misery and despair while I was ‘trying’ to do something that made a difference in people’s lives.
I was so unhappy that people could not see my True Self and the Purity of my heart and what I wanted for them. I could not believe what others were saying about me when they didn’t even really know me. I cared so much about what they were saying that I almost gave up until one day … the walk to the mailbox.
I was simply walking to my mailbox. It had gotten really bad … people were threatening me, people were saying mean and destructive things about me, and people were telling their version of the truth, which was not even close to the Divine Truth. They had made up their own ‘stories’ about me and what I was doing. I felt like a victim and was very downtrodden.
I was feeling so much fear and anguish at core visceral levels in my Body … my gut was turning, my chest was tight as my heart was shattered and broken, and I was drained and exhausted. These were clues that what I was going through and feeling was very past life related and a recreation of the past. I felt like there was no way to ‘fix’ things … and that I was in a “no-win” situation. I felt like I was going to be “killed” again and my Body literally shook due to the fear it was holding from other lifetimes.
Then it suddenly popped. The Truth prevailed … you are NOT your Body! They cannot “kill” your Spirit … your SOUL … the Truth of who you are. They do not have enough power to do to “kill” the Pure Love of who you Truly are. Do NOT give your Power away to them … they are not worthy of you allowing them to have your Power.
And, sure they can take your Physical Body, but you can always get another Body. That’s right, they can’t take away the core of you … your Love and your SOUL. The light bulb went on … I felt relief flood through my Body and there was a Freedom that I hadn’t felt in months.
I stopped on my lawn. I raised my head and hands, and yelled up to the sky, “You no longer have power over me. You cannot kill my SOUL … I am an eternal spiritual being and will live on forever. Go ahead … give it your best shot, but you can’t really kill me!”
At this exact moment, I gave up the attachment as to whether I lived or died. My Body immediately started to relax … there was a release that occurred. My Body understood that holding onto the fears of the past was making it tense and stressed out, and it was not allowing the freedom to live fully. It also understood that we can always manifest another Body as we reincarnate. This is only one lifetime in the myriad of many lifetimes. My Body finally understood and accepted I am NOT my Body.
And, I finally got to a point that I really didn’t care what they said and did … I sent Love and Light to them and held them in Love. I had a choice and I could choose to no longer be in the vibrations of their projections, or accept their projections, and let them run my life. There was a Freedom in not taking it personally, and to do what I came here to do without all of their chaos and drama to distract, undermine, or derail me … what I call Chrama.
The walk to the mailbox was my first day of True Freedom. The Freedom to ‘BE’ me and to ‘DO’ me … to create and live the life I was meant to have in the vibrations of love, joy, harmony, peace, and prosperity!
That was some walk to the mailbox, right?!? You never know when, how, or where the message will come … the Divine works in mysterious ways … the Love letter which was delivered in my mailbox on that day was beyond measure.
And I thank the Divine with all my heart each and every day to guide me along the way. That is True Freedom …